The In-between

FROM THE MESSY MIDDLE

This is what it feels like to be between this and that.

Try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer. - Rainer Maria Rilke, Letter Four from Letters to a Young Poet

I added digital retouching to this. Original photo by fallon-michael-VUWDlBXGogg-unsplash

YOU ARE HERE

I am standing in a large room; a place I’ve never been before and I feel a bit lost. I am in one of those nebulous zones called a life transition. At 70 years old and looking back, I acknowldge that I’ve been through all kinds of transitions, good and not so good, including illness and near death, yet I can honestly say that I’ve not consciously viewed those life experiences as such-as a transition. I did not give them the time, space, or witnessing I would have liked. I didn’t know how. It’s different now, this time. Perhaps it’s because I have more life lived behind me than in front of me. Yet, where I am at this moment is exciting. It’s brand new. Retirement from a day job I’ve had for 12 years is on the horizon. I have re-instated my clinical hypnosis credentials and have started a small business shaping it to include the transformational tools I did not have.

TRANSITIONS ARE A BIG F*CKING DEAL!

In fact, I’m obsessed about them and am finding that I can hold space for the generous heaps of curiosity and the mountains of fear of the unknown as they come forward waiting for exploration. However, I still get lost in time which adds a layer of difficulty to this part of the journey, and it perhaps explains why it seems as if a curtain has been pulled back leaving me mumbling “really? Why am I just realizing this, now?”

No, I do not have the onset of Alzheimer’s which is probably the most common condition for losing time. I have had the time distortion issue since, forever and it’s something that I’ve had to learn to live with and have developed work arounds that help me function in the world. As a result, I’ve over-compensated in some areas of my life which has led to becoming a super-achiever and I’m rarely late. I confessed the trait of time blindness to my therapist last year, as it had snaked forward in the things I had become aware of since the DSM V revealed that I had PTSD a few years ago. She replied, “Oh, that’s interesting! Sounds like it could be ADHD. Many people think ADHD is having limited attention and hyperactivity but for some it’s the opposite. It can be the ability to intensely focus leading to tunnel vision, time distortion, and increased productivity”. I filed it away with the many other conversations she and I had had. For the time being, I am done with being quick to label myself, pursuing labels, or allowing myself to be defined by labels, and with all the different labels that had popped up within the PTSD diagnosis, it has been a bit much at times. With that said, I also understand how labels can be important, meaningful, even medically necessary so I’m not dissing the use of labels for anyone else. They can be a godsend in navigating the terrain of humanness. For now, though, I’m good on the label front. And maybe this is how I will live out the rest of my life. We will see.

photo credit: nathan-dumla-unsplash

CIRCLING BACK

to the in-between, that place we travel both psychically and physically as we move from one point to another within our lives - as we move through a life transition. It’s a gray area, a vast arena, a space for discovery. Bruce Feiler calls it a “long hallway”, in a piece I read recently, titled What’s the Hardest Part of a Life Transition? here on Substack. And Joseph Campbell viewed life transitions as universal events, comparable to the hero's journey, where we leave a familiar life for an unknown one, undergo transformation, and return with new wisdom and meaning. And Pema Chodron reminds us that “Things are always in transition, if we could only realize it. Nothing ever sums itself up in the way that we like to dream about. The off-center, in-between state is an ideal situation, a situation in which we don’t get caught and we can open our hearts and minds beyond limit.”

Two different photos with some digital imaging by yours truly. JkgVHEFSolA & andre-frueh unsplash

RABBIT HOLES AND PORTALS

Big life transitions and small life transitions; we are in transition constantly. We are changing all the time. I am fascinated by what I am finding as I have gathered information for my curiosity and for this post. Depending on how one chooses to look at it, the messy middle could be a portal representing a threshold that we cross symbolizing the end of one phase and the beginning of a new phase.

THE LAND OF“NOTS”

I have entered the land of “nots”. I’m letting go of not doing it right, not excelling at it, and not checking all the boxes. Instead I am finding I have arrived at the long hallway where I am just here; within this process allowing it to take me deeper into the messy middle and within myself, “loving the questions as if they were locked rooms”.

ADDING A TEASPOON OF JUNG

I’ve been reading Carl Jung and his take on aging. When I read about his coined term Individuation, it made a lot of sense. There are key tasks and concepts within the theme of aging and per Jung, these require addressing, consciously, the psychological and spiritual tasks to move towards authenticity, wholeness, and peace. Life transitions give us opportunities for individuation.

Carl Jung - Tree of Life, a secret 1922 work from The Red Book.

LEAVING ROOM FOR GRIEF

I think something that complicates the process of moving through a big life transition, in the modern era, is living in a grief-illiterate culture. It is difficult to move through a transition if we are holding onto unprocessed grief which can keep us stuck in the past and we may not even be aware that that is what’s happening. I know from first-hand experience how unprocessed grief can add unwanted layers which can muddy the waters and hinder the clarity we are seeking while moving through a life transition.

ANCIENT ANCHORING

I recently got two new tattoos to give me a physical and psychological anchor marking this process.

4 TINY QUESTIONS

I have put together a very, very short questionnaire below. If you would like to participate you can either answer in the comments section below or DM me with your answers if it is lenghier or more personal. Let’s see where this takes us!

1. Are you in a big or small life transition currently?

2. If yes, what do you find interesting, frustrating, exhausting, exhilarating (or other) about it?

3. Within your personal life, has there been an amazing or disappointing experience for you as you have moved through a transition?

4. What helped, felt like it fell flat, or hindered the process?

I’ll leave the light on.