And might you say these two words and hold them for a moment in your palm or heart? And holding them with the fire of energy, of passion, rebellion, standing in your power, going through hard things and being changed. Watch me.
I was probably around age 8 when I became aware of two truths that were swimming around in my little mind.
1) my life wasn’t like my friends at school.
2) I was going to have to do it myself if I wanted to get what I wanted in life.
“You can be anything you set your mind to”, mom said. Her eyes blazed and there were undertones of anger as she quietly, snapped the words with her tongue, like chopping carrots on a cutting board. And I believed her because I wanted it. It was like a gift that she had handed me. A present wrapped in invisible paper, with no instructions or follow up. But with these words, I could do anything I wanted. This is how I will do it, I secretly thought – this is how I will make something of myself. Watch me!
That was before she married Jack, the man who lived a couple of trailers over. It was before she became a stepmom to his 3 boys, one of them a baby. It was before her days filled up with diapers, laundry, and feeding 5 kids; making life work with seven people living in a trailer. But I have always remembered her words and tried to apply them to my life. Looking back, I can see that there were holes within that ideal. Holes that harbored the fumes of not being supported and guided through childhood. Holes that held feelings of having been abandoned somehow. Holes that cast shadows of betrayal. And from a fractured life, I gathered the pieces, lived from the edges of culture, and put them back together. This process has taken most of my adult life. I can say, with honesty and love, I know my mom was doing the best she could with where she had been in her own life and what she had to offer. I didn’t feel that way for a long time until now. And I changed the emotional track of a memory, my memory, through self-directed neuroplasticity, a protocol I have folded into my private practice of integrative hypnosis. Watch me.
Somewhere within the last few years I became aware of how docile I had become. As a kid I was spunky - maybe even a bit feral. I was always out front, the one to come up with the crazy ideas. The one who blazed a trail. Where did she go? Watch me, has become a beacon, a light that shows me where to look. It’s a way I can trace the map back across time and see when I’ve been bold, when I cowered and then explore - why. It’s become a touchstone. And it’s become grace and has afforded opportunities in striving for balance.
Now, at this moment, I’m moving into what is coined the last season of life and I have circled back to these same words again, “You can be anything you set your mind to”. It’s like I just woke up yesterday and can clearly see that yes, I am living these words boldly. I can say with grounded certainty, that we Are more than we think we are. Our unconscious mind holds resources, insights, and creativity that are waiting to be unleashed.
It was the early 70’s and as a young adult, I had given up on one of my dreams of being a musical performer because I chose married life and living on a farm. At that time, way back when, it didn’t seem possible that I could have both, so I folded that dream and put it in the back of a drawer and succumbed to the societal view that if you don’t do it while you’re young you’ve missed your chance. And within that new life, I learned to can pickles, freeze corn, plant a garden and fell in love with country living and motherhood. The marriage lasted for 26 years.
Pulled from a promo gif: Zolar X, stage names L to R, Ygarr Ygarrist and Raidii X
As I left that marriage, I redefined myself, and chose a different name to go by, became a documentary editor and producer, remarried and was in a rock band in my 50’s. I didn’t realize it then but unconsciously I was going against the messages of culture and in my own way was making a statement “watch me”!
This is my new favorite slogan that I am exploring, through writing here on Substack and through my work as a hypnotist. I see so many layers with a thread that runs through my life, and within our culture. Taking these two words and putting them side by side on the page and giving it some thought has allowed me to pull the thread and see what comes of it. For me these words exclaim defiance, invite curiosity, offer personal power, choice, and independence.
I’m curious to hear about your thoughts and any “watch me” moments you may have either experienced or observed.
I’ll leave the light on.
The Inspiration for this Post
I stumbled upon this Instagram account and fell in love with her message, her look, her words and was blown away by this video, “Watch Me”. Hafsat Abdullahi, popularly known as Havfy, is from Nigeria, Africa. She is a multiple awared-winning poet and “through her voice and platform, she advocates for music, women, girls, and youth in underrepresented communities.”
“Watch me become everything I’m not supposed to be.
Watch me be…beautiful.
Watch me retell my own stories.”
I’m watching, Rhaine! And not in a creepy way but supportive way. It’s wonderful to reinvent over and over.
And you're doing it! All the things. I love how you've invented different lives for yourself, it's inspiring to see your devotion to going after the things that are meaningful to you. I feel like I'm doing "watch me," too, Rhaine, since I embraced my writer self less than two years ago. Creative life is so crucial. I'm thrilled to be witnessing this next leg of your adventure! xo